For those of you who have lost a loved one, you understand what I mean when I say “two steps forward – one step back.” Or maybe you don’t. It’s sort of one of those things I tell myself when I have one of those random, out-of-the-blue moments that my heart aches and the tears flow because I’m missing my husband. He’s been gone 11 years and I keep telling myself that I’m past the grieving. I’ve moved on. My heart is healed, my memories are tucked away in a nice little box where I can pull one out any time I please. Right?
Well, I have a secret to share. I’m not done missing him. I am not even sure if it’s called “grieving” at this point, but there are times when an onslaught of sadness will wash over me. I feel like I’m drowning. I suddenly feel completely and totally alone. The tears won’t stop. And for a few minutes, I give in to it and just let it happen. Then I dig down deep and try to find a foot-hold. A ladder. A hand. A light. Anything to ground me and help me up before the quicksand of sadness overwhelms me. Now please, don’t start panicking. The story isn’t finished.
I don’t know why it happens, or what triggers it. It’s never the anniversary date, or his birthday or Valentines Day… or any other “special” date that brings it on. I will admit, there have been times a song will come on the radio or on the playlist that reminds me of moments together. I’m figuring that since music was such a big part of our lives, that’s why it sends out such powerful emotions. Here’s a story for you:
We were never that “couple” that had a song that was just theirs. I was always a little envious of other couples that talked about their “special song.” I remember Josh and I driving one night from Las Vegas (where he had been building apartments) to our home in St. George, Utah and we were discussing this very big dilemma. Why didn’t we have a SONG? After much deliberation, we both decided that whatever song came on the radio when he turns it on, we would agree that would have to be Our Song. Now I realize that we were taking a huge risk. Who knew what would come on at that exact moment.
Holding our breath (at least I was), Josh flipped the radio on. Since we were in the middle of the desert, the only thing that came through was static! We looked at each other in shock and then quickly knew what was we had to do. Keep in mind, this was back when the vehicles had push-button pre-sets for your favorite radio stations. Finger poised over the buttons, Josh chose one and punched it in.
Stevie Wonder was singing “I Just Called To Say I Love You.” We grinned at each other like high school sweethearts, which we weren’t, and knew we had a winner. It was a great moment. A sweet moment. However, I’ve listened to that song many times since he died and I feel nothing but happiness and joy.
On my dance as a widow, I call it “one step forward, two steps back.” It’s humbling, but I still am making progress. As soon as I think I’ve gotten ahead of the hurt, I realize I haven’t. Maybe the Lord is just reminding me that I still have Him. I know that in my head and even in my heart, it’s just occasionally my heart forgets. But then it remembers that He’s now my comforter, my protector, my provider, the lover of my soul and the healer of my broken heart. And I can breathe again.
Last night was one of those moments. But after I crawled out of the dark water, I reached for my daily devotion for today and knew I wasn’t alone.
“Sole Provider, Sole Comforter” was the title.
Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all of you who are tired and have heavy loads, and I will give you rest.” And this was the scripture.
Here is what it said:
“As long as you can carry your burdens alone, you don’t need a burden bearer. As long as your situation brings you no grief, you will receive no comfort. And as long as you can take him or leave him, you might as well leave him, because he won’t be taken half-heartedly.
But when you mourn, when you get to the point of sorrow for your sins, when you admit that you have no other option but to cast all your cares on Him, and when there is truly no other name that you can call, then cast all your cares on Him, for He is waiting in the midst of the storm.” Max Lucado – The Applause of Heaven
Tell me…Is that perfectly what I needed, or what? No one…absolutely no one, can tell me that God doesn’t know every little thing we are feeling, every single burden we bear…and He is there. For me and for you. He will send you exactly what you need, at the exact moment you need it.
Naturally, after I read that, I thanked the Lord, then I went to my music. The song that came on was another God-send. Cece Winans singing “Comforter.” If you have never heard it, please take a moment and listen. It helped me through a lot of days and nights after Josh died.
God is still God and we are still human. It’s just a reminder that we will need Him to help us every day of our lives until we are safe in our eternal home.
Just thinkin’ out loud.
Pam Torres | Author 